The Onion

Our heart is like an onion. Everything we put in it becomes a layer, good or bad. When we get saved, Jesus takes our sins. He washes us clean. The onion is still there because the onion is part of us. From the time we are born, the onion is being formed.

As we grow physically and spiritually, this onion is formed. Some of us grow up in a well-balanced environment (no abuse or crisis). So, the onion inside is formed with healthy layers. When we meet the Lord, He washes us clean, forgives our sins, and polishes our onion, then He starts adding His layers.

Others like myself have a damaged onion. When we meet the Lord, He washes us clean, forgives our sins, and then must repair the onion before He adds His layers.  I met the Lord at a young age. I grew up in a Christian home. My father was a minister. Church was a big part of my life.  As I grew up, things happened. I hit the age of eighteen and was disillusioned with church and life. I told God I tried it your way, and nothing worked, so I am going to try it my way. I jumped in the hole of sin and rebellion and kept falling at a full rate of speed. I had no love for myself or others. I wondered the wilderness for about twenty years.

My changing point was after my son died in a home invasion. I was still trying to do it on my own. I was still lost. I was tired of being sick and tired. About a week before my son was murdered, I cried out to the Lord. I wanted my relationship back with Him. I was ready for some peace, but all I seemed to find was sorrow and bad choices.

After my son had died, I moved to a place by Fort Worth, TX. I found a small church in a store front. They loved on us and fixed my car for me. I was walking home one day from work. I heard a voice that stopped me in my tracks. The voice told me I had two choices. The first one is to go home and live for Him or stay here and live for myself. Home was and is Brazoria County. I called my dad, and he came and picked us up.  I was still lost in myself, but now I had direction.  I started giving my life back to the Lord. He started working on me. It was a slow process at first. My onion was rotten and ready to be thrown away. Instead, He pulled it apart and found the seed He planted back in me a long time ago. When I came back home, I was eating with mom at a local restaurant, and I was discouraged. I was tired of starting over. I made a comment to that extent. I went to the bathroom and heard that voice again. He said my foundation was wrong. He had to fix it where He could build on it. The journey was not easy, but once I totally gave Him me and everything that was in my life, it got better. He showed me we don’t have to stay broken.  He can fix us if we let Him.  It will hurt sometimes but will be worth it as we move forward and leave our past behind.

There is Hope For us All

I am fifty-four years old. My life has never been boring. I grew up in a Christian home.  God and religion have always been a part of my life. I did not figure out the difference until I was older.

There was something else in our home. Mental illness became a part of my life as a child. My mother had an emotional break down when I was two years old.  This event sent my family into a different place. This happen back in 1970 and at that time mental issues were not discussed especially in the Christian world. 

In my world, mental illness became commonplace and the norm. I do understand things now and help my mother deal with issues that still haunt her. The way my dad handled it was not to be there. He worked a lot at either his job or the church. My mother tried to fit in and fought her demons alone most of the time.

Growing up being in church was my thing. I loved it and it was my safe place most of the time. At the age of four, a couple of things happened that changed my perception on things.  First was I had a friend die in an outside fridge. One day he was there and next day he was gone. The second, I was carried into my dad’s church by a stranger and molested. That is when a spirit of fear was set in my life.

School was a stressful place for me; I had trouble fitting in with the other kids. Home had it set of issues but I felt safe. Now church time I loved. I connect early to the spirit of God. I believe that is the only thing that kept me safe through the troubled years.

In the teen years, life at home was different. My parents had their issues between each other. There was hardly any communication. Our home life started showing the dysfunction.  My oldest sister was the caretaker, I was the lost child and my youngest sister was the clown.

Around the age of eighteen, I became fed up, I was not happy everything I tried did not work. As a teenager, I thought of death quite a bit. Looking back, I needed help and did not know how to ask. The only thing that kept me safe was the hand of God.

During this time, not everyone in my home was happy and our relationships with each other were stressed. God was no longer the center of our home. I used anger and rebellion to come out of myself. When my first love rejected me and I was hurt again, I gave up and quit trying to do right. I made decisions at this time that changed my life forever.

One of these decisions was I told God I tried it your way and it did not work now I am going to do it my way. This is when I started running full force into hell on earth.

We cannot change our childhoods or what has happened but through the healing hand of God, we can change how we feel and how we step into the next day.

The journey I took into hell lasted about twenty years. Through this time, I went through two marriages, had three boys and the death of my oldest son (he was murdered). In the dark years, God never left me and the prayers of my family help me reach the other side. The struggle was real.

A week before my son died. I was sitting in my living room and was praying to the Lord. I was trying to make my way back to Him.  Thanksgiving weekend of 2004, a man broke into my home. There were seven of us in my apartment and that morning changed all of our lives. My oldest son lost his life protecting ours.

In the midst of the grief, I was lost even more. I never blamed God for what happen.  The man that entered our home was the cause.  I almost lost my life too but God chose me to stay.

We moved one more time. I found a church close to the apartments where we lived. They took us in and started helping us. My car broke down and they helped fix it. One day when I was walking home from work the voice of the Lord stopped me in my tracks. This is what He said, “you have two chooses. Stay here and live for yourself or go home and live for Me.” Home was Brazoria County.

I came back home and began my journey of healing and restoration. I was in and out of church and slowly building a relationship with my Father. Each time I gave something up; I became closer to my Father and His son. Now I stand here clean and free from my past. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you.

We are all on the journey of life; some of us are sill digging out of the junk piles that have buried us from choices we have made or a traumatic childhoods.

The mountain of the past looks big to us and makes us doubt ourselves and believe the lies of satan. Just remember the mountains will move away through one swipe of God’s hand when we truly lay it down at His feet. God only fixes us as quick as we let Him. I have learned now to just give it to Him and do not fight what He wants to do.